Good morning world and thanks for tuning in to another day here on Planet Magnet.
Yesterday saw another personal milestone come and go, I turned 50.
I thought things would be so much more different than they are.
Things never really turn out the way we expect of plan. As the old saying goes “Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans….”
Never a truer word may be spoken because my life has tripped along for the past 50 years with only very minor parts of it happening as planned and the rest just resulting from day to day decisions.
But then I suppose this is what happens to most of us as we forge our way ahead into the unknown of the day to day…..
I honestly thought somethings might be, well….. kind of different I suppose.
I never envisaged myself as a single man. I never thought I would be someone who worked with his hands, I never thought I would still have daily demons and I certainly never thought I would have ever been so overweight that I needed to have surgery and start a blog on the subject……
Things aren’t always as we hoped.
Maybe next time I can live by this…
Instead of feeling bad when the plans we make for the days celebration had to change when half of the guests needed to cancel because they couldn’t get to the venue due to bad weather when it’s supposed to be Spring for goodness sakes!!
Anyway, maybe these things do just happen and I should look at every cloud really having that silver lining.
I have a loving family who support me. I have friends who like me even if in times of self doubt I sometimes wonder if I am actually alone on this planet. I also have the love and friendship of a special person who we call June to my Terry. She is the most beautiful and kind person, she is supportive, she is funny, she is smart, she bakes a wicked cake and most of all she is my friend.
Nothing more but certainly nothing less.
Yet sometimes I can be awful to her and its the kind of awful that I know I am being as I am doing it.
It makes me feel terrible.
And I hate myself.
Yet still I do it.
50 has brought about an awful lot of my expected and anticipated self doubt. It has brought about a good deal of retrospect and self analysis. It is amazing when we do this at milestones. I always thought it as a myth, a weakness and a pointless exercise but still it happens.
I am certainly not happy with the way things are. I need to make things change and as someone of this age, I really should be able to do that, surely?
I should be able to stop my behaviour being that of a petulant child, I should be able to no when to switch off temptation and make the correct choices for the correct reasons. I should be able to take the moral high ground and walk away from bad situations but each time I am presented with one I battle with the right choice, finding the only way to be sensible is to stay home or chasten myself to such a degree that I feel no compunction to act out again.
I know there is always time to make changes and I know there is always hope for the future, it is simply just that sometimes I find it difficult to pull myself out of my self imposed mire.
But then surely that is what growing older gives you:
Experience to know how to understand that situation, except when it doesn’t and you behave the same way, like Pavlov’s Dog.
Ring that bell and I’ll salivate.
I’m pretty sad really.
Still, it’s good to know that if `i do change my ways only but a small margin, I could have a good few years left, another 50 might be brilliant but I’d be happy with about 35 or 40.
That would be a good innings.
And to reach that good innings I need to get my life in shape and be determined to make the changes I need to make. I need to continue to grow and look to the future and not the past.
As the saying goes “If we are depressed, we are living in the past. If we are anxious, we are living in the future. Therefore live in the now and be happy.
Here’s hoping I can live my life more like this, become happier and become content.
My cloud surely does have that one silver lining I have been searching for?
Anyway, sorry today has been a ramble. I suppose I just need to get some things off of my chest. I need to clear my head and hopefully get the full weight and gravity of my apology across to my friend June because as regular readers will know, I don’t usually personalise my thoughts and musings….
So until next time,