Another Year Older, Still None The Wiser…

Good morning world and thanks for tuning in to another day here on Planet Magnet.

Yesterday saw another personal milestone come and go, I turned 50.

OMG!

I thought things would be so much more different than they are.

Things never really turn out the way we expect of plan. As the old saying goes “Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans….”

Never a truer word may be spoken because my life has tripped along for the past 50 years with only very minor parts of it happening as planned and the rest just resulting from day to day decisions.

But then I suppose this is what happens to most of us as we forge our way ahead into the unknown of the day to day…..

I honestly thought somethings might be, well….. kind of different I suppose.

I never envisaged myself as a single man. I never thought I would be someone who worked with his hands, I never thought I would still have daily demons and I certainly never thought I would have ever been so overweight that I needed to have surgery and start a blog on the subject……

Things aren’t always as we hoped.

Maybe next time I can live by this…

999a0b9085f451807696e3a8f8684268--th-birthday-your-birthday

Instead of feeling bad when the plans we make for the days celebration had to change when half of the guests needed to cancel because they couldn’t get to the venue due to bad weather when it’s supposed to be Spring for goodness sakes!!

Anyway, maybe these things do just happen and I should look at every cloud really having that silver lining.

I have a loving family who support me. I have friends who like me even if in times of self doubt I sometimes wonder if I am actually alone on this planet. I also have the love and friendship of a special person who we call June to my Terry. She is the most beautiful and kind person, she is supportive, she is funny, she is smart, she bakes a wicked cake and most of all she is my friend.

Nothing more but certainly nothing less.

Yet sometimes I can be awful to her and its the kind of awful that I know I am being as I am doing it.

It makes me feel terrible.

And I hate myself.

Yet still I do it.

50 has brought about an awful lot of my expected and anticipated self doubt. It has brought about a good deal of retrospect and self analysis. It is amazing when we do this at milestones. I always thought it as a myth, a weakness and a pointless exercise but still it happens.

I am certainly not happy with the way things are. I need to make things change and as someone of this age, I really should be able to do that, surely?
I should be able to stop my behaviour being that of a petulant child, I should be able to no when to switch off temptation and make the correct choices for the correct reasons. I should be able to take the moral high ground and walk away from bad situations but each time I am presented with one I battle with the right choice, finding the only way to be sensible is to stay home or chasten myself to such a degree that I feel no compunction to act out again.

I know there is always time to make changes and I know there is always hope for the future, it is simply just that sometimes I find it difficult to pull myself out of my self imposed mire.

But then surely that is what growing older gives you:

Experience to know how to understand that situation, except when it doesn’t and you behave the same way, like Pavlov’s Dog.

Ring that bell and I’ll salivate.

I’m pretty sad really.

Still, it’s good to know that if `i do change my ways only but a small margin, I could have a good few years left, another 50 might be brilliant but I’d be happy with about 35 or 40.

That would be a good innings.

And to reach that good innings I need to get my life in shape and be determined to make the changes I need to make. I need to continue to grow and look to the future and not the past.

As the saying goes “If we are depressed, we are living in the past. If we are anxious, we are living in the future. Therefore live in the now and be happy.

Here’s hoping I can live my life more like this, become happier and become content.

My cloud surely does have that one silver lining I have been searching for?

Surely…..

Anyway, sorry today has been a ramble. I suppose I just need to get some things off of my chest. I need to clear my head and hopefully get the full weight and gravity of my apology across to my friend June because as regular readers will know, I don’t usually personalise my thoughts and musings….

So until next time,

Things can only get better.

 

5 thoughts on “Another Year Older, Still None The Wiser…

  1. Peter's pondering says:

    Happy Birthday for yesterday Cameron.
    Sorry to hear the weather conspired against your party but hope you managed a small libation anyway.

    Funny how these “special” birthdays elicit such strong emotions in us. I suppose 50 is particularly emotive as it is the point where you feel that you must be over half way through your life, and there is less ahead than has already passed (for most of us anyway)

    As I’ve got older I’ve become more philosophical, and, as I recently passed the 70 mark, the aim has to be “keep on keeping on!”

    Here’s to the next 50 with “Cigarettes Whiskey And Wild Wild Women”, and whatever else you fancy!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Worlds Biggest Fridge Magnet says:

    Thank you for your kind words Peter. I think you are totally right when we talk about having strong feelings about such a milestone. I know in time they will pass and life will be everything and more so as you say at the end I’ll just keep on keeping on but maybe leave the cigarettes, whisky and wild women to the generation I have just left…. 🙂

    Like

  3. Osyth says:

    Despite the fact that it really is only a number those 0 birthdays are hair triggers for an emotional reconciliation with how far we have come and it always feels scary. It is entirely natural to feel the way you feel and it is a time to be kind to yourself. As the sap rises and summer beckons I reckon you will find that you will make your peace with 50 and embrace it fervently but not fecklessly. I read a report from the World Health Organisation the other day – they have readjusted the labels given to age groups. Up to 66 you are young, from 66-79 middle aged, 80-100 elderly and 100+ long lived aged. Sounds good to me …. it gives me another nearly 8 years of youth and you far more than that 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Worlds Biggest Fridge Magnet says:

    Good Morning Trunchbull!
    What wonderfully sage and wise words.
    I do need to be good to myself. I need to indulge my creativity. I need to pull myself back to reality. I need to, as they say “Get back on it”!!
    Having been poorly for a good proportion of the start of this year, I really do need to get my exercise flow back to a regular and strong achievement level. I know I need to not beat myself up and sitting here as the sun shines on my face (even though rain is due later) I feel the warming and brightening effects of this yellow orb and know that things will improve. I like the warmth in my bones, I like the sun on my face and I like the extra daylight it all brings so that I might give over to more external activities after my work has finished for the day.
    Saturday was full of introspection, Sunday was quiet and today although not much further forward, I am heading in the right direction.
    It is good to know that I am not alone in my feelings and know that it is natural to question, so I shall continue to do so but improve myself with each episode of doubt. I shall embrace and not be feckless. I shall do my best to make my life change and change for the better.
    After all, if the WHO is to be trusted, I am but a youngster who needs to live his life but maybe add an element of temper to my decision making. I am happy to have lost some inclinations and would be extremely happy to get to the elderly band so here goes with the future.
    As Howard Jones and D:Ream (aka Prof Brian Cox) sang, Things Can Only Get Better.
    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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