Waiting For Hell To Freeze Over*
Good Morning world and thanks for tuning in to another day here in Planet Magnet. I trust all is well in your world and that the week is barrelling along nicely for you. Here in the U.K, the rain is back (what else!) after five days of sunshine, so having had our summer I figure we start preparing for the winter to come… 😉
Only joking on that font guys, however, Heartland by The, The seemed like the perfect lyric to use given that when yesterday I spoke to a friend of mine (The Chimp from The Lonely Author) he suggested I write what my Eutopia might look like given that I am now over a year past my surgery date and the fact my life has changed so dramatically in that short period of time. That I have become such a different man over the past several years of trials and tribulations. That I am still scared and excited in equal measure of what is to come in my life. That I am surrounded by more love in my life than I have experienced for a long time, yet I feel lonely on a daily basis.
Now I should put a warning here, because if any of you are not in the mood for my truth then I suggest you stop reading now, plus it is nearly 2000 words long so you might struggle a little looking for a quick read….
I am always honest with this blog yet I do confess that am still selective about what I write and today I write exactly how I feel and make no apologies for it.
So where was I? Oh yes, my own Eutopia. Or put quite simply, where would my ideal life be at this moment in time?
I know it might sound fatuous to do such a thing but it is in our dreams that we create our future (or some semblance of it) and it is only by daring to dream do we ever achieve our ability to move on.
Long gone are the days where I wish for Ferrari’s and Porsche’s lined up in my garage. Gone are the days where I long for rooms of clothes and shoes (yes girls, us boys like those things as well…) where I long for a huge and expensive watch collection or a private yacht moored on the jetty of my waterside palace.
None of that for me.
Although don’t get me wrong, if it were to fall into my lap, I like 99.9% of the worlds population, would never turn it away 🙂
Today my Eutopia looks entirely different and that is because perhaps I have grown up and now realise that life is much more important than goods and chattels. That life is about being there, being in it, being alive and following your dreams regardless of whether they be the ones of the possessions I spoke of earlier or simply being able to walk into town under your own steam. Obviously I have now surpassed that dream of being able to make that walk and as I head into June I hope that the dream of being able to walk the Ridgeway without problems is one I also achieve. This to me, in fact to anyone will be an exact measure of one of the milestones I have achieved over the past year and one that no one will be able to deny me.
Obviously I have other dreams about my future. As many of you know I am presently just starting a new business venture that will see me turn all of my life learned skills into money when I take them to the world outside under the guise of a Handy Man. I am so excited about this that I cannot wait for it to start yet I am also very apprehensive.
Why on earth would that be?
Well what we must realise is that I have been in a very controlled and ordered life for the past few years as I was registered disabled, on a living allowance and had no real need to interact with people outside my circle of friends. Now some of you may get it some of you may not but believe me, this is a very real fear that I know for a fact a couple of years ago I would not have been able to overcome to the point where it would have been preferable to stay at home doing nothing than it would be to head out into the world “stick my head in it” and simply get on with what most people call everyday life.
Fortunately I am at a point in my life where this is a possibility but I must not forget where I was. I know friends and family support me but sometimes their “tough love” aproach with throw away remarks still smart with me and I would love to tell them that I am going as fast as I can, remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Again people, let’s look back 14 months……. Am I physically still that person I once was? No I am not. Do I still suffer from some of his frailty’s? Yes, I am afraid I do but things take time and I am a work in progress with an very ambiguous goal of simply being a better person than I was yesterday.
I hold my hands up quite readily and agree I was not a nice person for many years. I put myself first, I thought little of others feelings and I bought and did what I wanted let all others be damned if their opinion was not in line. Now maybe I am dressing it up a bit but essentially I was not the best person I could have been and I know that now, but credit where credit is due, I am unrecognisable from that person and have been for several years now so I know this change of persona is not just a “flash in the pan”.
So my Eutopia?
Well I honestly think that in order to find it we must do a great deal of soul searching and have a great many experiences before we truly know what that is.
Many of you know I would like a career in the media in some way shape or form, whether it be in front of the camera (something I honestly never thought I would ever be able to entertain), behind a microphone or being creative by writing more books, more screenplays, more T.V shows that all get made. I have no definition of that particular nirvana but I do know that since January last year when I started to be around that world, it was the one thing that looked like a missing link in my professional life. The career I never knew was possible to a working class lad from Middle England.
However, although I have had a taste of it and I enjoyed it very much, if it is not meant to be then I am also good with that because I have my new business bubbling away on my side, a business that I can control and call the shots, something that will allow me to work yet manage my stress and activities to a level that suits me.
As for general life? Well my health is better than it has ever been – lack of energy not withstanding. I move freely and easily. I cycle, I gym and occasionally I even run (but we won’t tell anyone about that…), all things I thought I would never do again.
I eat healthily, I no longer drink the way I used to and although I am not currently Tee Total I am also no longer going out on the binge drinking sessions as I always had.
As for possessions, yes I suppose I would love a leather jacket to go with my new wardrobe of clothes that I am building steadily, enjoying the fact I can once again shop on the high street instead of on-line for the sizes I wanted. I can also once again buy designer brand names in styles that I had long ago thought would elude me forever more. But this is something that can come in time. I am very happy with my home and the way it is furnished and laid out. Yes it might be nice if it overlooked the sea front but then a great deal of things would be nicer over looking the sea front.
Yes I would love a new watch. After years of owning good quality watches such as Tag, Rolex and Breitling I do miss a nice timepiece on my wrist so very very much BUT again, this is a “thing” and a “thing” does not define me. I had a massive hankering for a new car. A return to BMW as I had driven for the past ten years or so was exactly what I thought I needed however, now I have my little van……
Things change in our lives. We all set ourselves up with an idyllic view of what our lives will be. Sometimes a few of us are lucky enough that our dreams come true but usually it does not happen like this. We are usually required to change our dreams to suit our changing life and current situation BUT we can still always have a dream that one day we shall make it in whatever mold life fashions for us.
The one constant for me though is that I want to be in love.
At a low point I joined a dating site many months back looking to meet that special lady (don’t judge me, it’s the modern world!) and one of the questions asked was “If you could have one wish, what would that be?”
To be honest I don’t recall if I had to think about it or I was able to answer right away, but regardless, my answer was simple:
“To be in love”.
Yes over the years I have had many girlfriends and met many people but have never had that “ONE” in my life. The one that fulfills all of the cliche’s we hear on a daily basis, such as “the missing piece of my puzzle” “the one who matters more tome than myself” “the one that no matter how mad I was at them, I could still never not have them in my life”.
Put simply, the one that is unconditional love.
I am aware of how much love I have to offer, the fact that I am a good man, The fact I am an honest and hardworking man, the fact that I am a handsome man (other peoples opinions, not my own – honest!), that I live a healthy life, have interests outside of football and cars (okay, not many, but I have them 🙂 ) and that above all, I am NOT afraid of falling head over heels in love with the right woman should she exist and not have any hang ups about being treated like a lady for the rest of her life (I think the saying is “nutters, drama queens and low expectations need not apply”)
Therefore, I think I may have almost reached my Eutopia, my own personal Nirvana but without anyone to share it with can it honestly be called either of those things at all…..
Stay out of the fridge.
P.S Apologies for being so wordy today….
*Heartland by The The