On the Tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Ten Lords a Leaping, Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids a Milking, Seven Swans a Swimming, Six Geese a Laying, Five Gold Rings, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear tree.
Well its all over now isn’t it!
Our final day of freedom has arrived.
The holidays are over and the New Year of 2016 must officially begin. Well, maybe after one last throw of the dice I suppose. Today is the day to get things done. The day that you hoped would never come but the day you need to get the house in order or to get the clothes washed and ironed and the last of the chores sorted before the mayhem of live starts once again and you start living by your resolutions (if you were sensible/daft enough to make any….)
Back to work/life tomorrow so I hope you enjoyed every minute of your time off. I trust you made good decisions and that you welcomed those who needed to be welcomed, cared for those who needed caring and shared with and spoiled those who needed spoiling.
I know I did and it made me feel good about myself. I do wonder if that sounds a bit selfish really. Doing things for others to make me feel better about myself? I know the person I did all of the special things for appreciated them, I know they also appreciated all of my hard work to help get their house in order in time for their Christmas and beyond.
To be fair, I enjoyed the melee of time constraints, I enjoyed the team work of making things happen and I enjoyed the results of seeing them smile. It is over now though and I am no longer kept warm by that “wanted/needed feeling”. So if I enjoyed it so much, why do I now feel as flat as a pancake? Time moves on, things change, myself and said other person have other things to do and other people to see which is only sensible given the time of year and the fact we are both popular people.
But if I know this is the case, why after I have helped make someone else so happy, am I numb to all of the feelings they are experiencing.
Do I feel as though I have been cheated? No.
Do I feel as though I have been passed over? No.
So, there are no real explanations as to why I feel so flat. Why I feel like I am treading water all of the time and as much as I try to be pro-active and make a difference to myself, I find that the “myself” I want to make a difference to can nearly always be intrinsically linked to being with another person.
It makes no sense. I was once very happy with my own company and could fend off any kind of thoughts of loneliness with a a good bit of TV watching, some fast food or some booze. Now though, those things are no longer an option and as much as I watch TV, I am never really that happy doing so on my own.
Is it because I have been given a glimpse of what I know I would like, but now it is no longer there? I know would like the staying in and watching TV with occasional trips out. I know I want to spend my time sharing and doing with another but I must be aware that any “other” will have other things to do and other people to see and why not? It is their life to do with as they please, their choices to make who they spend their time with at their own leisure and I should never try to influence it because that would not be fair.
So if I understand all of this, why is it I feel this way? What do I dislike my own company now that I am so much happier in my new body, so much more active in my new life (well usually I am…colds and coughs not withstanding… 😦 ) Why does my heart yearn for something of which it has only seen a glimpse? Interfering with someone else’s life to simply justify ones own happiness would end up making me equally as unhappy.
I can only assume that because I no longer have an escape from these feelings, I must actually deal with them.
But where do I start as I am totally new to dealing with such thoughts and feelings. I am totally unprepared to deal with how I deal with anything that makes me feel sub par, now that I can no longer eat or drink my way out of it.
I need to learn that any one person does not define me. I must learn that I am a valuable person and not a by product of someone else’s needs or requirements no matter how much I like them OR being in their company. However, I know this will take me a goodly length of time as I have no idea where to start or how to deal with any of it at all. I suppose that is why I am like I am, why I was like I was but NOT how I will be in the future.
I apologise because I understand this kind of sounds like I am airing my dirty laundry in public and that I am moaning at the expense of another but in truth, that would not be a fair assumption to make. I simply use this example of my current thoughts because I know there are many others out there who feel like this because it is the way I have felt for years and have never known any different, so if it is like this for me, then it will be like this for some other of you too.
We all need to break the cycle of needing another to define us because as I say, those others have a life they want to lead and cannot be held back by our needs. We should learn to be self sufficient and get on with our lives, learn to think a touch more selfishly and learn to put ourselves first because in reality, that is all other people do. It doesn’t make them (or us) nasty or selfish, it simply makes us get on with what WE want to do and that is NO bad thing.
Or at least I am hoping that is what it is all about because if not, then I can’t for the life of me fathom any other explanation.
Stay out of the fridge.