They say time will wait for no man,
They say time is on my side.
I could never make my mind up,
As it all goes whizzing by,
From the cradle to the grave.*
To be honest, I have no idea why I started this post with the lyrics from a Squeeze song because I believe the real quote to be “Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave”, one that was originally made by the Prophet Mohammad; and also believe this version to have much more gravitas than the song lyrics.
However, it is therefore a weird one that the song lyrics struck more of a chord with me prior to my operation and today it is the words from Prophet’s quotation that do, which considering I am such a shallow person in comparison to most, I imagine that’s quite a surprise to both you and me!
As many of you know, I have changed my life around quite dramatically over the past several months and have tried my hardest to change my mindset to one that seeks knowledge, even though I find I now struggle with learning new things that require application and study whereas in previous years I did not. However, when it comes to learning practical things I believe I am still as sharp as ever.
I am beginning to wonder though if that is simply an age thing and something that we can all expect to suffer from eventually.
However, to that end I am of the opinion that time is not waiting for me even if it is still on my side and that I must learn as much as I can about my world and myself in order to make myself the better person that I honestly would like to be. I don’t just mean in a “helping my fellow man” better way, I mean better as in better to myself.
For example whilst writing the last paragraph, I wonder why I have just gotten up from my desk and walked into the kitchen to look for something to eat even though I am not hungry. As I wandered around opening cupboards, tupperware boxes, fridges and freezer doors, I knew I didn’t want anything, yet I still went through the motions. Its like I have an oral fixation and still after all of these months have the occasion where I need to go through what was once my 24/7 daily activity, in and out of the kitchen looking for food to graze on. It was actions such as this that made me realise that time was not going to wait for me to sort myself out and that I needed to get on with the matter of getting on with my life because too much of it was whizzing by.
Last year, with a certain amount of trepidation, I decided on the drastic measure of Bariatric Surgery but I am fortunate enough to be able to say that it has most definitely turned out to be the tool that I needed. I have succeeded in losing a great deal of weight, I feel better than I have done for many years. I am now more active both physically and mentally than I have been for many years. I am once again the “Go To Guy” for doing physical things and for helping people out whereas before I was only the cerebral help. I was the one that listened and gave out advice because I was unable to do much more. Things have changed so dramatically that I am beginning to wonder if my brain and personality are needing a little extra time to play catch up with the physical side of my health improvements.
So this means that I must seek knowledge. Not the knowledge that lies in books but knowledge of myself and my actions because once I truly understand myself, I will be able to deal with all of the curve balls my mindlessness throws at me and not fall prey to the autopilot actions that take me in and out of a cupboard all day long. Now I am happy to report that this does not happen too often because I try to keep myself busy but it does happen and even with the Sleeve Gastrectomy having been performed, I am still just as likely to perpetuate old habits when I don’t think about what I am doing. I need to understand that old habits do die hard and that although I can graze, albeit only a very small amount, I must not want feel the need to do so. I must learn that when things are not going to plan for me my solution should not be to return to a drinking culture just because it is familiar and one that I can still manage, again albeit on a lesser level, until I have fulfilled my cravings and numbed the issues that took me down that road in the first place.
I never realised before that pre surgery, when I was lonely I took enjoyment from eating junk food such a takeaways, fizzy pop, sweets and chocolate. I simply thought I was not lonely, just hungry. I had no idea that these actions were numbing my loneliness and allowing me to function on an insular stage where I only wanted to deal with my own self for days on end. Now I cannot eat to numb this loneliness, I find on occasion I am actually what I could call lonely. Now don’t get me wrong, I am at home on my own at the moment and I am not lonely. I have had a busy, active and relatively fulfilling day and can only imagine that there are just other days that you feel certain things and allow these feelings to take over, which is how you end up full of pizza or full of beer, unfortunately sometimes I would end up full of them both.
Presently however, I am pleased to say that I have no desire at present to go out and socialise in a drinking culture and I am actually happy to stay home as long as I don’t shut myself away. Obviously I can no longer numb any loneliness with food so I therefore need to get a balance between time on my own and time interacting with others so I can be a much more self reliant and rounded individual.
So as the quotation of the Prophet Mohammad says “Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave” I am slowly but surely coming to realise that self knowledge is just as important as worldly knowledge because if I do not know myself, then can I truly know anything?
Stay out of the fridge.