It’s only there trying to fool the public….*
Good morning world and a Happy Friday to you all!
How are you feeling on the end of a glorious week? Probably a little better than me I should imagine. You see yesterday I had the unenviable misfortune of having an anxiety attack. The first one in probably a year and to say it rather blindsided me would be an understatement. It took my legs away and with one fell swoop I was levelled, unable to move and completely ill at ease with myself.
Why should this happen you might ask? Well I can only put it down to the fact I was about to start a course at a local college and my mind went into overdrive worrying about how many people would be there, what was going to happen and how I would cope. The most amazing thing is that the course was about self confidence, self image and feeling stronger in yourself. Quite bizarre really being unable to attend a course that is designed to help with the very thing I was suffering from that very morning!
Still, I made it in the end. I did some breathing exercises and some visualisation and eventually felt strong enough to leave the house and head out to the college where the course was being held. Although it was after lunch by the time I arrived I was pleased that I had overcome my earlier anxiety and was able to attend because as you have probably guessed all of my fears were unfounded, the class was small and friendly and the tutor understanding and helpful,
So why did it happen?
Well to be honest I have no idea but I am glad in a way that it did because it just goes to prove that I am still changing and getting stronger day by day. I recall several years ago when these anxiety attacks first crept up on me, I would NEVER have been able to overcome one so easily and still attend the meeting that had caused it. I would have been housebound for three or four days at least, sought solace in food and alcohol and generally given in to my inability to be reasonable with myself.
Now I know a good deal of it is tied to the time I spent as a morbidly obese man and I know that these feelings just do not go overnight but I am glad that they are much more rare than they were before.
I think that one of the problems is that the changes we experience in our bodies as Bariatric Surgery patients are only too evident to see, weight loss, increased energy and a happier temperament are all apparent to anyone who knows us, but deep inside a great deal of our insecurities still lurk and unless we deal with them they will never be resolved and like me this morning, they can come back and bite your backside at anytime. You see, when people look at me, they see a gregarious, confident and chatty person which is fine one on one. They see someone who is happy to talk to a TV camera, they hear someone who is happy to talk freely on the radio but they would be only too surprised to learn that should I have to be somewhere on my own, on unfamiliar ground with unfamiliar people my confidence falls apart, the mask slips and the chink in my armour is revealed.
Fortunately with time everything becomes easier but like anything, time takes time to make you heal but I am grateful in the knowledge that I am on the mend because if I wasn’t, this wouldn’t even be a topic of conversation at this moment in time and I would currently be shut away licking my wounds and feeling oh so sorry for myself. So I am here today to say please do think about the reasons behind peoples behaviour because as I am sure many of you are aware, nothing is really ever as it seems, nothing is as straight forward as you might believe it to be and things don’t always happen the way you think they might just because someone has a smile on their face.
Sorry for the slightly negative slant to the post today but as you know this is a warts and all blog where I expose myself to my readership in a bid to prove that you are NOT the only ones who have setbacks or have issues with what happens on a day to day basis. Please know that I am good and happy and once again at ease with myself. I know I have a long way to go but things are certainly getting better and todays post is proof of this even if it was a difficult lesson to learn.
FOOD DIARY:Wednesday 30th September 2015
|Qty||Measure||Food||Calories (gr)||Protein (gr)||Carbs (gr)||Fat (gr)|
|Breakfast||3||Mini Muffins||Egg, Cottage Cheese and Ham Mini Muffins||390||54||12||12|
|1||350mls||Phd Diet Protein Whey||182||34||5.5||2.8|
|Lunch||1||Small Bowl||Quinoa an Greek Feta Prawn Salad||198||25||13||7.9|
|Dinner||1||180gms||Piri Piri Chicken||338||35.6||3.4||22|
|1||50gms||Spicy Bulgar Wheat||75||2.4||13||2|
Food was pretty good for Wednesday which I am quite happy about. One of my favourites was on the menu once again as I had some company round for a movie night (you can’t beat an old black and white movie!) Because I had invited them (an very good friend and his lady) I decided to cook as I have missed not cooking for anyone of late and thought the healthy but tasty Piri Piri and Bulgar Wheat would be a good staple to eat whilst indulging in the back and white masterpiece that is Kind Hearts And Coronets. So with the calories and other macros at a sensible level I was pleased with what I had achieved.
The exercise is still unfortunately out of the window however because the energy levels are still down at the moment. I am still managing to walk with the dog but that was only a short walk last night because the bulk of the day was taken up with the anxiety attack. Still, things shall be back on form soon, I can feel it so watch this space. No point in showing the steps covered, because they are shocking!
Stay out of the fridge.
- Tears of a Clown – Smokey Robinson