Now If There’s A Smile On My Face

It’s only there trying to fool the public….*

Good morning world and a Happy Friday to you all!

How are you feeling on the end of a glorious week? Probably a little better than me I should imagine. You see yesterday I had the unenviable misfortune of having an anxiety attack. The first one in probably a year and to say it rather blindsided me would be an understatement. It took my legs away and with one fell swoop I was levelled, unable to move and completely ill at ease with myself.

Why should this happen you might ask? Well I can only put it down to the fact I was about to start a course at a local college and my mind went into overdrive worrying about how many people would be there, what was going to happen and how I would cope. The most amazing thing is that the course was about self confidence, self image and feeling stronger in yourself. Quite bizarre really being unable to attend a course that is designed to help with the very thing I was suffering from that very morning!

Still, I made it in the end. I did some breathing exercises and some visualisation and eventually felt strong enough to leave the house and head out to the college where the course was being held. Although it was after lunch by the time I arrived I was pleased that I had overcome my earlier anxiety and was able to attend because as you have probably guessed all of my fears were unfounded, the class was small and friendly and the tutor understanding and helpful,

So why did it happen?

Well to be honest I have no idea but I am glad in a way that it did because it just goes to prove that I am still changing and getting stronger day by day. I recall several years ago when these anxiety attacks first crept up on me, I would NEVER have been able to overcome one so easily and still attend the meeting that had caused it. I would have been housebound for three or four days at least, sought solace in food and alcohol and generally given in to my inability to be reasonable with myself.
Now I know a good deal of it is tied to the time I spent as a morbidly obese man and I know that these feelings just do not go overnight but I am glad that they are much more rare than they were before.

I think that one of the problems is that the changes we experience in our bodies as Bariatric Surgery patients are only too evident to see, weight loss, increased energy and a happier temperament are all apparent to anyone who knows us, but deep inside a great deal of our insecurities still lurk and unless we deal with them they will never be resolved and like me this morning, they can come back and bite your backside at anytime. You see, when people look at me, they see a gregarious, confident and chatty person which is fine one on one. They see someone who is happy to talk to a TV camera, they hear someone who is happy to talk freely on the radio but they would be only too surprised to learn that should I have to be somewhere on my own, on unfamiliar ground with unfamiliar people my confidence falls apart, the mask slips and the chink in my armour is revealed.

Fortunately with time everything becomes easier but like anything, time takes time to make you heal but I am grateful in the knowledge that I am on the mend because if I wasn’t, this wouldn’t even be a topic of conversation at this moment in time and I would currently be shut away licking my wounds and feeling oh so sorry for myself. So I am here today to say please do think about the reasons behind peoples behaviour because as I am sure many of you are aware, nothing is really ever as it seems, nothing is as straight forward as you might believe it to be and things don’t always happen the way you think they might just because someone has a smile on their face.

Sorry for the slightly negative slant to the post today but as you know this is a warts and all blog where I expose myself to my readership in a bid to prove that you are NOT the only ones who have setbacks or have issues with what happens on a day to day basis. Please know that I am good and happy and once again at ease with myself. I know I have a long way to go but things are certainly getting better and todays post is proof of this even if it was a difficult lesson to learn.

FOOD DIARY:Wednesday 30th September 2015

Qty Measure Food Calories (gr) Protein (gr) Carbs (gr) Fat (gr)
Breakfast  3 Mini Muffins Egg, Cottage Cheese and Ham Mini Muffins  390  54  12  12
 1  350mls  Phd Diet Protein Whey  182  34  5.5  2.8
Lunch  1 Small Bowl Quinoa an Greek Feta Prawn Salad  198  25  13  7.9
Dinner  1  180gms  Piri Piri Chicken  338  35.6  3.4  22
 1  50gms  Spicy Bulgar Wheat  75  2.4  13  2
Snacks  1  Mini  Mini Magnum  169.8  2  15.6  10.8
 2  400mls  Tea  11.8  0  0.8  0
 2  400mls  Latte  210  12  18  8
Totals  1570.6  165  81.3  65.5
Water  3  500mls  Mineral Water  0  0  0  0

Food was pretty good for Wednesday which I am quite happy about. One of my favourites was on the menu once again as I had some company round for a movie night (you can’t beat an old black and white movie!) Because I had invited them (an very good friend and his lady) I decided to cook as I have missed not cooking for anyone of late and thought the healthy but tasty Piri Piri and Bulgar Wheat would be a good staple to eat whilst indulging in the back and white masterpiece that is Kind Hearts And Coronets. So with the calories and other macros at a sensible level I was pleased with what I had achieved.

The exercise is still unfortunately out of the window however because the energy levels are still down at the moment. I am still managing to walk with the dog but that was only a short walk last night because the bulk of the day was taken up with the anxiety attack. Still, things shall be back on form soon, I can feel it so watch this space. No point in showing the steps covered, because they are shocking!

‘Till tomorrow,

Stay out of the fridge.

  • Tears of a Clown – Smokey Robinson

10 thoughts on “Now If There’s A Smile On My Face

  1. poshbirdy says:

    It’s just another test for you, and you are dealing with it brilliantly. Panic attacks are terrifying, I know, but you are going forward so quickly. It reminds me of when a friend of mine booked her long-term-unemployed boyfriend onto a motivation course. I asked her how it went and she told me he didn’t get up for it. You, my friend, are made of sterner stuff

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Osyth says:

    Well done for getting through and actually making it to class. Panic attacks are dreadful (my daughter suffered for several years in her late teens and early 20s and is still an anxious person – though like your clown puts on her funny face for the world to see) … I hope it is just a flash in the pan for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Worlds Biggest Fridge Magnet says:

      Me too. I am sure it was just a quick wobble back to how I used to be, overthinking everything and not considering the reality or the positives.
      I still have a long way to go but I am better than I was years ago so long may the situation continue to improve.
      Unfortunately as I say, too many of us put on the face to hide what goes on in our heads because it is considered the norm to do so.
      Still life wouldn’t be much of a journey if we all had everything sorted right from birth….would it?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lisa says:

    You are always so encouraging to me, so kind and positive. I want you to know that I am proud that you were able to step outside your comfort zone and continue on to your goal of attending your class. I understand that it is scary to feel such anxiety, but you handled it like a pro and got through it! Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. simplysandilynn says:

    I think it is great that you are so open about the ups and downs that you are experiencing! It is crazy the turmoil our bodies is putting us through when all we are doing is try to improve and better ourselves physically and mentally.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Worlds Biggest Fridge Magnet says:

      I know right!!!
      I know they do a psyche evaluation prior to the surgery to see if we are the correct candidate but there is nothing afterward and I am sure this is where the changes start to come in thick and fast. We are aware that we have to relearn everything and change our lifestyle but my word, nothing prepares us quite mentally for how things are being a slimmer active person who should be capable of everything we have ever wanted to do.
      I am very lucky as I have been accepted for some counselling in a couple of months time (waiting lists are crazy here n the U.K) so will hopefully get to discuss my issues related to all of these changes. However, not matter what issues may pop up from time to time, I do need to say that I am happier than I have been in many many years so would not change where I am for all of the tea in China, I would just like to be a little more at ease with it.
      All we must remember is WE ROCK!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Julie says:

    It’s a shame they don’t continue with psyche support following surgery in more depth. I am sure when we get to the point of approaching a doctor about the possibility of weight loss surgery all of us have suffered anxiety or depression that manifests in one way or other like panic attacks, self doubt, low self esteem or all of the above. In reality I can see that that does not miraculously disappear with the pounds, on our blogs we can all relate to the physical slog of exercise and life and the tools to help us like the fitbits or polar devices. If only there was a tool or device to deal with our changing feelings and emotions. The main tool I can really use is this place, the blogsphere. Hope it’s a good day today for you

    Liked by 1 person

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